Re:Creation

i’m tired and hungry and my contacts suck.

today was a good day, but it was a day that i felt connected to me very loosely; as though if i didn’t put all my energy into not falling off, i would spiral down into nothingness.

what the nothingness is exactly is sort of troubling, but as you would guess, it’s mostly just that–nothing. no good, no bad. smooth, without a wrinkle of life.

in the end, though, i did hang on. a few times my link to reality fuzzed in and out, but i’m still here. i’m still here, waiting for something to happen. eating a pop-tart.

i taught a course on scanning and ocr software today to three middle-aged women. i also slept through one class and 40 minutes of another. i also wrote a song, tentatively entitled ‘grey’. after having writer’s block for so long, it was a clean breath of sea-salty air to be working on a song, not just imagining one. it’s almost done, and i hope to play it on saturday at the show. since i haven’t written much lately, i’ll go ahead and append the lyrics to this entry, as cheesy as that is. i figure as long as it’s mine it’s ok. feel free to comment.

also, if you care, you should vote on which cover i will do on saturday. the choices so far are:
“everything” | lifehouse
“true love waits” | radiohead
“don’t be there” | switchfoot (i don’t know this one yet)
“april 6, 2039″ | pedro the lion

or if you have suggestions, feel free. now, the so-called lyrics to my new song:

when i sing it feels better
standing looking out the window
hand out to catch the rain
drip down slow crystal moving

turn on the light that’s in my mind to flood the world with colors
let your eyes see what’s really there stop looking at the canvas
put down your brush dumb ignorance for you don’t have the talent
to represent the way things are with your soul-numbing grey

alpha through epsilon levels: check.
theta through omega levels: clear.

virtual disc on spin: mezzamorphis | delirious?

for those of you who couldn’t guess, the last entry was fiction. allegory, even.

today rocked pretty hard. i’d even give it a rock and a half, for kicks. mostly boring usual stuff you don’t care about.

i did go to the wall finally, after 2 weeks. i was pretty weak, but they had some new routes up and i had fun trying to crack a few.

i did talk to emily a lot, i did hang out with my friend chris for a while.

i did not do all of my greek homework.

you see, my problem here is one of priority. my alpha levels were taken care of throughout the day, but certain delta and epsilon level activities got in the way of me finishing all of my beta levels. and when push came to shove, i decided that gamma levels were more important. in a sense, they are. but now i’m paying for it.

at least i stayed clear of omega level. omega level prime even.

singing in my head: “sweetness” | jimmy eat world

my body lay in the sand, white and gaunt and all bones, like a bleached skeleton of some prehistoric animal. i was dry and desiccated. my stomach was shrunk to nothing, and my tongue so swollen from heat and thirst that i could barely breathe, much less drink. not that there was anything to drink in the desert.

how did i end up here?, i asked myself. i used the last of my energy to turn around and look at my footsteps. they trailed off west, as far as my cracked and sun-blinded eyes could see. no sign of the City. no blue lakes and tall white buildings. no gleam from adamantine roads or piercing towers. nothing but sand and heat.

it’s too late anyway, i thought. if i can’t go five feet forward, it makes no difference if the City is ten feet behind or a million. i’m done here.

why did i leave? i knew there was nothing but desert out here. what was i going to do? walk across it? to where? and now my foolishness mocks me. i’m going to die here.

and then–the sound of silver. not the metal; the color. with an odd feeling of recognition i look up, and remember no more except going blind.

—

thirst. my only thought is for water. i don’t even realize that i’m alive, but i thirst. i open my eyes, but everything is fuzzy. i grope around, hoping to find some vessel of liquid.

“patience. you just died. or close enough. your body is so dehydrated you can’t have anything to drink yet. i’m giving you the appropriate fluids as you have need. rest, and soon you will be able to drink. and be thankful that you are alive”

then i slept.

—

i don’t know why i left. i don’t know where i thought i was going. to some imaginary better place, maybe, beyond the dunes. no one ever finds anything there but death. but i know who rescued me from it, and it is good to see him again. it’s been far too long.

soon now i will be able to eat, to get up and walk around. what a sweet thought! there is no lack of water, here, either, to run strength through my body. and, as soon as i am able, i’m anxious to get back to the City. there are people there that i have missed, and they will be glad to know that i’m alive. i’m alive, and i hate the desert for its death.

i don’t ever want to go out there again.

what a fantastic day. it’s gotta be at least 70 degrees. after a good class, a good lunch, and a good meeting with my philosophy advisor, i went to the oval, took off my shirt, and laid in the sun for an hour and a half. i listened to good music and did some productive reading while the sun reddened my skin. the soft breeze kept things cool enough, and score after gaggle of girls walked by again and again lusting after my body.

just to think that people live where it’s snowing right now…

song on spin: dancing days | led zeppelin

a long night of crying on the phone. but i still have a girlfriend. and that’s worth it.

on spin: song b | pedro the lion

sílnova man stavéma, ecárada los ecsedímu merónema. telyeími óret

this is what i am yelling in my head, though you can’t hear it and don’t know what it means. it is because i need jesus (who does know what it means). and the magnitude of that need never ceases to amaze me. as jaded and blasé as i am–as disinterested and bored as i could ever become, i will never be able to get over that. and how much greater than the need is the fulfilling? infinitely so. therefore i pray–shock me with infinity, god.

et seumadeíma árel thanódla

i read something that bugged the heck out of me. it was one of those pop-culture cynic-critic people, and he said, paraphrased, “blogs that just recount daily events are soooo lame”. basically, since there is nothing unique about these blogs, nothing interesting, exciting, insightful, witty, thought-provoking, intelligent, artistic, well-said, or well-turned in them, they are worthless. lame.

i guess it could bug me for two reasons:
1. there is something wrong-headed about that mindset
2. i have one of those lame blogs and i just don’t like that someone would call it lame.

i’ll leave it up to you to decide if (2) is true. it very well could be, but i’m not going to let myself make a decision on that point. i think that the cynic’s thought grated on me because i don’t like his standard of a “good” blog. i suppose that he is allowed to have his opinion, but as for me i have no problem letting “lame” blogs exist and letting them have the same rights as other blogs. if you think something’s lame, don’t read it. don’t write about it either, lame-o.

in recent news, school has ruled my life for the past four days. i haven’t had a spare moment to myself since i got back from england…i guess that’s what i get for gallivanting around the world. anyways, in particular logic has kicked my butt, since a problem set was due today (in fact, if you want to see what i spend so much time working on and have microsoft word, i uploaded the answers to my recent problem set part 1). everyone rejoice with me that i at least attempted part 2 this time. i don’t think i actually got any of it right, but at least i had time to look at it. maybe next time i will progress even further.

also, my parents are in town (actually down staying in santa cruz) for the weekend, since it’s Parent’s Weekend here at stanford. they came to the dorm around 4 this afternoon, and watched our dorm talent show. i was in it and played the song a pixellated life to kick it off. then my parents took me out to CPK for a wonderful dinner.

emily and i had a long discussion about what art is tonight. it was pretty interesting. i like art. i wish i was good at some kind of studio art, but i guess i should stick to music.

i’ve been trying to write some music lately, and i think i actually have 4 or 5 or 6 viable new song ideas. i just don’t really have the lyrics to go along, and so i’ve been at a bottleneck here for quite a while. it’s so aggravating. as i’m asking, “will my pen some day just stop producing ink?” i hope not. what do you think chris cross. i’m certainly not going to throw in my mic or my towel just to quit.

in other more important news, i have two mp3s from the upcoming pedro the lion album control. i can’t wait till the whole thing comes out. you’ll also notice by looking at the sidebar that i’m going to see pedro on thurs. in SF. this will be quite sweet.

now my contacts have achieved that wonderfully disgusting state of gooey, slow, solidness with pointy edges. i am going to go remove them and read in bed until i fall asleep.

virtual disc on spin: pedro the lion | progress

man, these days are flying by. and since when have i wrote in my blog in the morning? the days are evil, i tell you.

yesterday was a standard day–logic, greek, lunch, work, guitar, dinner, logic, sleep. i went over to storey after dinner to work on the logic problem set with achyut and matt…we worked on it for 3 hours or so and got almost halfway done with part 1. i guess we’re doing the rest tonight, and i have to try part 2 tomorrow afternoon. i hope i get it done this time.

i’m not particularly looking forward to today, since thursdays are my most busy days…i have a meeting with spud, class, lunch, work (teaching a workshop today, that’s extra stress. but it’s only on powerpoint so it should be easy), then crusade. back to back 10am-9pm. ick. and after that there’s still logic and an entire unit of greek.

in other, better news, tomorrow my parents arrive for parents weekend! i’ll be playing in a dorm talent show that we’re having for the parents. my mom and dad have never heard me perform, so it will be an interesting experience.

oh yeah, i got on the net with netscape communicator yesterday at work, and looked at my blog–yuck. it looks really stupid in netscape. i advise you all to use internet explorer 5 or higher.

and now off to piece together a coherent thesis for my knowledge paper…

disc on spin: the sounds of the early morning.

i didn’t really do anything interesting last night, except talk to emily a while on the phone. and i went to bed early. so now i’m awake early–i got up at 6:45am. isn’t that insane? i ate breakfast in the dining hall for the first time in a long time. and i studied for my greek quiz, which is in an hour or so. i have a logic problem set to do today. suck. go away school.

there, aren’t you glad i bothered to write that.

i decided to procrastinate, so here are some of the better pictures i took in england (in order of occurrence):

heathrow int’l airport
• standing around

warwick castle
• view of the castle from the front
• the back gate of the castle from the inside
• emily and i standing on a tower
• emily and i in front of the castle
• bob the american tourist

oxford
• view of an oxford college
• landscape looking the other direction
• emily in red telephone booth at night

london
• emily in trafalgar square
• the national gallery (art museum)
• family in front of westminster abbey
• emily and i in front of westminster abbey
• big ben
• parliament house
• tate museum of modern art
• installation art exhibit (top floor) in museum
• harrod’s at night

stonehenge, bath, and the cotswolds
• stonehenge
• cathedral in bath
• ancient roman bath
• ancient roman underground heating system
• emily and i sitting on a bridge
• view from that same bridge

hope you enjoy.

disc on spin: room for squares | john mayer